Chore Wars STRATEGIES FOR GETTING YOUR SPOUSE TO PITCH IN AROUND THE HOUSE It’s 8 p.m. You’ve finished making dinner, giving the kids a bath, reading bedtime stories and tucking them in for the night. When you walk downstairs, piles of dishes remain on the counter. Grease-filled pans are strewn on the stove. Remnants of taco cheese and sour cream are smeared on the kitchen table. And there your spouse sits on the couch, magazine in hand, apparently oblivious to the mess that remains. Are there any strategies for sharing housework with your spouse that can help head off World War III? “Splitting up chores fairly between spouses is a significant source of tension in many households,” acknowledges Sheryl A. Kingsberg, PhD, clinical psychologist with University Hospitals MacDonald Women’s Hospital. “Left unchecked, this issue can breed anger and resentment in a marriage. That is why it is best to take a proactive approach and discuss the division of labor with your spouse — when you’re not already fuming.” This is critical, Dr. Kingsberg says, because your unhelpful spouse probably doesn’t see the world (and what needs to be done) the same way you do. While cleanliness may be next to godliness for many, others take a less ambitious “it’s doing no harm” approach. “Help them see — without getting angry — the things that are obvious to you as chores to be done,” she says. A good way to start is by wiping the slate clean and dropping all assumptions. “Talk about your expectations,” she recommends. “Explain your idea of what a clean house means and how you think chores should be split — whether that’s 50–50 or some other ratio, based upon your schedules and responsibilities outside the home.” Once you’ve come to an agreement, it’s also best to clearly spell out the requested tasks that you want your spouse to do. “Don’t be vague. Simply saying you want more help with the housework or with the kids isn’t good enough,” Dr. Kingsberg says. Instead, specify if it’s having the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away, or having the dishes cleared from the table, washed, dried and put in the cupboards. This approach can help sidestep nagging, which only breeds discontent for both parties. It also, however, is the time to decide your priorities. You should decide what you can live with — and without. “If the litany is too long, your spouse will feel overwhelmed and resentful. Then he or she won’t do it,” she explains. New habits also take time to establish. Use positive reinforcement — which works much better than punishment — while your spouse is beginning to pitch in with the agreed-upon chores. “A spouse is much more likely to engage in new, helpful behavior if he or she is positively reinforced,” Dr. Kingsberg says. “You may think that the task is so small that it doesn’t warrant mention, or that it’s only fair that your spouse complete the chore. But, if the ultimate goal is to maintain the behavior, you should forget the fairness and offer positive feedback — such as a heartfelt, ‘Honey, thanks so much for your help!’ This also may encourage your spouse to help more.” GREAT OFFER! Learn how to reduce the amount of stress in your life. Rainbow is offering free copies of the booklet Staying On Top Of Stress. Call 216-844-RAINBOW for your free copy today. SHERYL A. KINGSBERG, PhD, Clinical Psychologist, MacDonald Women’s Hospital