When a Friend or Family Member Has Cancer HOW TO HELP KIDS UNDERSTAND AND COPE WITH A LOVED ONE’S BATTLE Whether it’s a friend, parent, grandparent, brother or sister, it can be a very confusing and difficult experience for a child to learn that someone close to him or her has cancer. The very word “cancer” itself strikes a feeling of unease or even fear in most adults. So, it’s that much more understandable how hard it can be for a child to grasp exactly what is happening to a loved one who has been diagnosed with this disease. With that in mind, parents can help children and teens cope by having ongoing and open discussions with them, says Rainbow psychologist Jennifer Anderson, PhD, who works with families affected by cancer. “Children should understand that nobody knows why the person they love got cancer,” Dr. Anderson says. “They should be assured that there is nothing they did, or their loved one did, to get cancer — and that cancer isn’t contagious. Children should be assured that their loved one is receiving the special medical help he or she needs. When the affected person is a close family member, such as a parent or sibling, having the child see the place where treatment occurs can be helpful to his or her understanding.” It also is important to explain that it’s OK to be upset or sad. “Give your child an opportunity to talk about their feelings, rather than keeping them bottled up inside,” says Rainbow social worker Sharon McLain. “Accept your child where he or she is at emotionally, and assure him or her that it’s normal to feel scared and worried.” Dr. Anderson adds, “Young children may not be able to do so in words, but it can help to see adults modeling expression of feelings. It also can help to offer a label for a child’s feelings to help them get started, such as by saying, ‘Your face is looking a little worried today.’ ” Both children and teens should be taught that people do survive cancer. Older children may benefit from learning more through books or the Internet about cancer and what advances researchers are discovering to beat the disease. “Age-appropriate discussions about cancer and care can help erase the mystery and make things not seem so scary,” McLain says. However, it’s helpful to have caring adults guide this review of information since there is so much out there. Knowing how to interact with their friend or loved one while they are undergoing treatment also may be tricky for children. Discussing how to be thoughtful and stay involved can help, Dr. Anderson says. “Assure them that it’s best to simply be themselves,” she suggests. If cancer treatment isn’t helping his or her loved one, your child will face additional challenges. “Support groups or counseling may be helpful so that children don’t feel so alone or isolated,” Dr. Anderson says. “Talking to others can help them understand how life changes and how to deal with grief. It can be helpful to be in contact with the psychosocial team at the hospital that is treating your loved one. They can help get you connected with resources that can be helpful during such a challenging time.”